Twenty-Fourteen

2014 started on a small hill in East London. There were friends who became strangers, and strangers who became friends. There were conversations about life and the universe, and a fair amount of inebriation. It started off with a walk through old rainy streets, and banks almost over-flooded by the Thames. It started off without clear intention, and…

Three Cheers for Shit that no Longer Matters!

This past year has been very busy, and the most eventful. Surprises came from all ends, some bad, but most good! Throughout it all, I’ve realized a few things about myself, that I now wish to write about, seeing as I’m failing to post regularly. I no longer give two fucks about my weight. As…

An ode to what once was and what will be

If all moments in life were treated as that, moments with a start and end date, we would probably seize them with full consciousness, we would clasp onto every bit of emotion, feeling, or thought a given situation inspires in us. We would see the world with wonder, and would rejoice in the goodness and…

An Ode to Singledom

  As I sit here in a quasi empty room, packing the little stuff I brought back with me from my years abroad, I can’t help but introspect on what this entails.  Introspecting is what I do, at the end of every chapter, and before every chapter.  Let me rewind a bit. Not that long…

About a feeling

You came to me  in apathy, a stranger, and you brought with you a multicoloured palette to paint this town a bit more bearable.  A lot more bearable, who am I kidding.  You came to me in great sadness.  My heart wasn’t fully mended yet,  I always took care of that on my own before,…

From the place you came from

Cars rushing past the house, which is not yours.  Traffic sounds, on an otherwise quiet centre town street.  You sit on someone else’s balcony, eyes on the view.  Buildings, so many buildings, probably built in the seventies.  Ugly, apartment complex buildings, nothing else.  A void settles in the midst of your ribcage.  Inhale, Exhale.  Air…

A watched pot never boils

from archived files… I took a walk in Hampstead Heath today amongst the bare trees and the occasional magpie.  The wind started to blow and it resurrected the leaves from the ground.  They started flowing, dancing before my eyes and for the first time in a long time, I was humbled by the scenery.  I…

The stuff that remains

There was a river on a cold day in winter, ornamented by deserted banks, flowing on.  There was a glorious bridge from the 1800 on which we stood to watch the water, two quasi-strangers.  You were everything at once that day.  You spoke with eloquence about how you’re convinced you’ve once seen a ghost.  I laughed.  The…

You are not broken, you’re loving

The other day, I was early for a meeting, and so while trying to kill time,  I caught myself judging myself.  ‘Why did you let this go on for so long?’ ‘Why do you respond in this way and not that way?’ ‘Why are you thinking these things or replaying scenarios?’ etc etc.  It’s less than…

On Your Own (part 2)

*Note, I had written this the day I wrote the previous post and thought I scheduled it to go live that same week…well three weeks later now, here it is* I’ve mentioned in the previous post the fact that one of the harshest feelings after a break up is facing yourself in your most imperfect,…

A guide to how to smile

Drink a liter of green juice that you have made yourself, out of vegetables, that you unfortunately did not grow. Shower, immerse yourself in the smell of lush products.  How could the scent of  honey / citrus not make you feel slightly less miserable? Wear your best Sunday dress.  Why wouldn’t you. Go out and…

You will never be to some what you are to others

There are some people who will, from the beginning, find out about your authentic self in its fully raw form.  The self that has multiple personalities all clashing with one another, that comes with destruction, beauty, over analysis, incoherence, aspirations, hopelessness, a stagnant sense of being a non entity, an overwhelming feeling of being part of…

The Beauty in your Existential Crisis

I was sitting with a good friend on a busy street last night.  Rain was drizzling as we sat beneath the rooftop of a pub, sipping on Blue Moon.  ‘The world is so depressing without the internet to distract me from my mind’, I voiced out.  I went on about being as lost as ever,…

In the Future Tense

If you disappear tomorrow I would call in sick at work.  I wouldn’t eat, I couldn’t eat.  I’d have instant coffee and would pace around the house.  Maybe I’d paint the cracks in my walls, maybe I’d paint my nails a pretty colour.  If you disappear tomorrow, I would lay motionless on my bed for…

The Feelings that Come and Go

I concluded I am finally okay with growing old.  The longer I bathe in this sense of living, the easier living feels.  Heartbreak, loss, unpremeditated twists of fate, they quickly morph from that heavy feeling in my chest into a lightness of being.  I used to be of opinion that some things in life never…

Your life is good

Your life is good, because you slept in as long as you pleased, and now you’re sitting in your room, on a Saturday morning, with absolutely no obligations but to entertain yourself.  Your room is clean and freshly painted, and your skin smells like papaya&mango from the shower you just took.  Coffee tastes good, and…

Like-love Take 2

Fireworks are going off.  Every bang more spectacular and grand than the other, and then, always unexpectedly, it ceases.  You stand there in the middle, on some urban hill not far from your apartment, watching the multicoloured light soften the darkness of the skies, and then fade into them, blown away by the wind. Something…

About Neurosis

It’s ten past midnight Sunday.  Tomorrow I’m resuming real life, after a two week hiatus from work and all other obligations.  I spent the first part of my holiday visiting my family in Bavaria, hiking, doing yoga, eating too much vegetarian food with my aunt and my cousin. The second part was spent drinking, eating,…

The heartbreak that shaped you

Years ago, I used to write a blog, a bit more intricate, a bit less concrete, and a bit easier to update than this one, because it was written in a diary format.  I wrote  almost every single day, it wasn’t much of a chore, my mind was urging me to write.   There was…