On love

A part of me used to feel so strongly that I could only grow and be fully independent without another human being. I felt like I was not ready for relationships, not because of things I wanted to accomplish, as much as because of personal obstacles. I felt I needed to become more loving, less selfish, more vulnerable and open. I needed to understand myself better, learn more about my needs and about the world. When relationships would become difficult, I treated it with a ‘told you so’ kind of inner voice. See, I needed to spend all my alone time on this cosmic journey with me myself and I, psychoanalyzing and trying to ‘better’ myself… I could only ever truly do on my own, after all, I can only go through a transformation when all my energy can be focused on myself.

What a load of bullshit.

How could I possibly learn to be a certain way, if I was left to my own devices?  I was left in my own self-absorbed little comfortable world, where I’d remove myself from whatever it is that would test my patience, or shake up my ego. If something wouldn’t go my way, I could easily walk away. There is very little left to learn when you’re living strictly according to your own standards about how things should be, and how moments should go. It is naive to wait until you are ‘ready’. Ready, how exactly? Isn’t that what life is all about? A perpetual self-improving journey through ups and downs, growth, and regression, through experiences that shape our values and thought systems, an abundance of feelings, yes all sorts of unsteady feelings? If so, we will never be ready to be with someone.

Love – and yes, in this particular  case I am referring to the romantic kind – unlike any other tool tests us. It haltingly cracks our ego, and make us reconsider our own toxic thoughts and attitude patterns. It makes us pause for a moment and realize things about ourselves we would have never got a chance to realize on our own. It’s hard to have our very internalized preconceptions so strongly challenged on our own. When it’s transparent, love makes us grow with the other person, gives us the ability to open up, and makes us realize that we are not some lump of flaws. We are all exuberantly unique individuals who have a lot to learn.


4 Comments Add yours

  1. Smart perspective. I haven’t thought about it this way, but very eye-opening I’ll say.

    1. N says:

      Thank you! Of course, there are times when a person needs to heal and then solitude is probably best.

  2. himself says:

    Reblogged this on Wisdom of the insane and commented:
    Not so long ago, I finished an experiment. That took about four years. I am not just saying that. I was consciously trying out something for for years and the result so we’re not quiet as pleasing as I wanted.

    I was, for all high school Years, continuously trying to never seek approval from others. I wanted to see just how much can one be self sufficient. I wanted to exist without having others confirm that. Something very interesting I did was to always hide how much knowledge I had. When the teacher asks a general culture question for instance, I, being a reader, often know the answers but I never participate for if I do, I will be proving to others that I know that thing. And that is the whole point: why do you need to jump up and answer? It is to prove to everyone that you know. But why would you do that? It is because you only exist in their minds. You do not value your existence unless you are praised and recognised by others. When you answer, do you gain new knowledge? What good does it bring you except for that feeling you get. It’s that feeling that I wanted to fight. I wanted to feel independent of others.
    But this experiment, sadly had nephast effects. Instead if teaching me to lead as I was completely independent, it tough me to always avoid standing out. I also learned that there is a small, yet necessary amount of gratitude, recognition and praising that one needs to enjoy receiving from others without being dependant on them. Dodging confrontation to preserve ethics and manners is just another way to run from the fact that one is not good with confrontation.
    Another lesson that I have learned is a lesson about the value. Yes, it might sound smart to just be independent and it will probably save you a lot if embarrassment, but hey, what is the value if all of that’s you don’t just live it up and stand out and be free. Being free. It accures to me. While I was trying to be free from others, I became a prisoner of myself. And now, I, perhaps, know the way to be free of both. And that is the point. That is the value I chose to give value to. This is a lesson in the value of value as Carl Marx calls.

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