A part of me used to feel so strongly that I could only grow and be fully independent without another human being. I felt like I was not ready for relationships, not because of things I wanted to accomplish, as much as because of personal obstacles. I felt I needed to become more loving, less selfish, more vulnerable and open. I needed to understand myself better, learn more about my needs and about the world. When relationships would become difficult, I treated it with a ‘told you so’ kind of inner voice. See, I needed to spend all my alone time on this cosmic journey with me myself and I, psychoanalyzing and trying to ‘better’ myself… I could only ever truly do on my own, after all, I can only go through a transformation when all my energy can be focused on myself.
What a load of bullshit.
How could I possibly learn to be a certain way, if I was left to my own devices? I was left in my own self-absorbed little comfortable world, where I’d remove myself from whatever it is that would test my patience, or shake up my ego. If something wouldn’t go my way, I could easily walk away. There is very little left to learn when you’re living strictly according to your own standards about how things should be, and how moments should go. It is naive to wait until you are ‘ready’. Ready, how exactly? Isn’t that what life is all about? A perpetual self-improving journey through ups and downs, growth, and regression, through experiences that shape our values and thought systems, an abundance of feelings, yes all sorts of unsteady feelings? If so, we will never be ready to be with someone.
Love – and yes, in this particular case I am referring to the romantic kind – unlike any other tool tests us. It haltingly cracks our ego, and make us reconsider our own toxic thoughts and attitude patterns. It makes us pause for a moment and realize things about ourselves we would have never got a chance to realize on our own. It’s hard to have our very internalized preconceptions so strongly challenged on our own. When it’s transparent, love makes us grow with the other person, gives us the ability to open up, and makes us realize that we are not some lump of flaws. We are all exuberantly unique individuals who have a lot to learn.