This past year has been very busy, and the most eventful. Surprises came from all ends, some bad, but most good! Throughout it all, I’ve realized a few things about myself, that I now wish to write about, seeing as I’m failing to post regularly.
I no longer give two fucks about my weight. As I’m browsing through magazines, or web sites, I keep coming across the ‘How to survive the Holidays without gaining weight’ articles. They sort of anger me, and so I scroll past them. Here I am, now in my late twenties, giving less fucks about weight than I ever used to. Don’t get me wrong, if I felt that my weight, or habits were detrimental to my health, I’d care, but I actually don’t. And so, after a life-long battle of striving to achieve some kind of ‘perfect weight’ that I never achieved anyway, somewhere down the road, I gave up. And it isn’t the kind of ‘giving up’ that comes with remorse, or guilt. It is the best feeling ever. It is the feeling of acceptance. The clothes I buy are the size I am, not the size I wish to be, the food I eat, I enjoy every bit of it, be it chips, or kale. I don’t count calories, and I certainly don’t waste my energy on wishful thinking while reading diet blogs, when there are so many good FOOD blogs to be read, recipes to be tried, and restaurants to be visited! I always get a bit sad, when perfectly healthy looking people go on about how they feel uncomfortable in their own skin, and I know there is absolutely nothing I can do, or say that will change a thing in their head. It’s a type of acceptance that happens somewhat naturally, gradually, but also without concrete realization of how, when or why it occurred. And so, here is to my lack of a thigh gap, to my protruding cheeks, the roll on my stomach when I sit down, my Slavic nose, and the size of my breasts. Those things, that before I would have wanted to change, I have learned to not just accept, but also love about myself. This also applies to make-up, or wanting to look like someone else. I remember one day when this ‘epiphany’ came to me. Of course those types of epiphanies happen in forms of thoughts every day, but it’s so hard to embody, and truly process something like that in a way that it becomes your train of thought. I was sitting on the bus, about three years ago with my best friend. I’ve known her since we were eight, she started going on about her stomach, about how she needs to lose weight, etc etc. I sat, and listened. Of course, I sympathized, and in return, I started going over the things I would want to change about myself in my head, but then something really extraordinary happened. It’s as if my mind was exhausted of the never-ending stories it repeats to itself, and so it shouted ‘STOP. You will never be any younger, and your body will never be any firmer, than it is today.’ And that is exactly the rule I keep on living by. Sure that was three years ago, and that statement was true then, and it is still true now, and will still be true ten years from now, because at a given point in time, you will never be as young as you are that day. Besides, there are so many greater things to spend your time and energy on than bringing yourself down!
Who says what/What random acquaintances do with their lives. There is something incredibly demoralizing in one, indulging in gossip; and two, spending time going over what is said about you. I’ve been lucky these past years, I’ve surrounded myself with people who discuss greater things than he-said-she-said tales. They share stories, experiences, ideas, discuss philosophies, etc. Those are the kind of people I want to surround myself with, and the kind of dynamic I want to build in my friendships. Don’t get me wrong, it’s absolutely natural to be driven to gossip I believe, but when a friendship at its core becomes just that, gossip, then it’s lost its worth.
On that same note: How fun you are I do love fun people! But I most importantly love kind, caring, and intelligent people. I value sense of humour. But the fact that you’re up for anything after you down three shots of tequila is not impressive if your humour is snarky, and quite frankly, mean-spirited. And so people with whom I can only go out, are no longer people I have time to spare for at this point in life. I never felt going out to to be a very rewarding experience, unless it’s at a pub with good conversation, and people-watching, I really can’t be bothered for mindless drinking, or worse – clubbing to music that gives me a migraine for the rest of the weekend. Living abroad has taught me that as much as I love people, I also love interactions with quality over quantity. Those are the people that I have the time of my life with! And so, I’d rather stay in with a book, or a bad romcom on, over going to socialize for the sake of socializing.
How much coffee I drink. There was a time when I tried to limit my caffeine consumption, convincing myself that my anxiety was brought on by coffee jitters, and it most likely was. But just like with anything else, the mind can play a lot of tricks on us! And so, as soon as I stopped believing that my third cup of coffee would induce a panic attack, I started to enjoy that excess of caffeine my Doctor would probably recommend against. Everyone has their own poison!
I no longer care about your personal beliefs. Don’t get me wrong, I care to discuss them, I care to debate them, even, but I don’t care to convince you that mine are the way to go. In my early twenties, I would go Hitchens on anyone who had a personal god (I still won’t capitalize it though). In hindsight, that type of behavior was pompous, and quite frankly alienated the person, rather than making them understand my point of view (which in my head was/is fact). It is not a personal attack on me if someone finds vegetarianism silly, or believes in a deity, as long as it’s with respect, and with absolute peace. A good person is a good person, no matter their belief system. That said, I still wish the world was secular, and that intolerance wasn’t viewed as ‘cultural’, but as exactly what it is, absolute unjust intolerance.
My quirks. A human being is a constant work in progress, and as long as we realize that, we will never fail ourselves. That said, I am done with reading the ‘tricks for seducing the guy’ type of articles. I never really appreciated them anyway, but always indulged in it as a type of guilty pleasure. I realized that those things come with not only being yourself, but accidentally coming across a human being who will love and accept yourself as you are. After that, there are no games to be played, no tricks needed, you can just be, and work things out through your common, and most importantly, natural dynamic.
Self-centred people I once dated someone so full of themselves, that the only issues/neurosis worthy of their thoughts were theirs. I’m lucky to have good friends, and so I never felt lonely, I did feel frustrated and needy however. It was a good lesson on patience on my part, but it was draining. And so, I decided ever since, that if you can’t have empathy for another human being, or simple interest in another human being, I’d rather spare myself of your narcissistic self-important energy. I realized that giving up on people like that doesn’t make me a bad person, nor does it make them bad people. Instead, it makes them people who have a lot of growth to do with their own ego and value system. And it makes me someone who has time and energy that I’d rather spare on people who are willing to give the same in return. And so if a friendship, or relationship is harder than it should be, and one-sided, it is probably best to learn to value yourself enough, and let go.
Bad haircuts I always cared about my hair, even when I didn’t appear to, I did. Having long, thick hair, I always hated hairdressers, as they never knew how to work with it. And so I avoid them. Two days ago however, I scheduled a last-minute appointment and chopped off 14 inches off my hair. I haven’t had short hair in AGES! I realized when I sat in that chair, that I felt no anxiety, or apprehension about it. Instead, I was excited. I wasn’t scared to ‘miss’ the hair, or regret doing it. Hair is dead protein anyway, and it grows back – it even grows after you’re dead! – I couldn’t resist inserting Regina Spektor in there) So why do I find it so valuable? I donated the 14 inches to the Cancer Society, which made me feel even more sure about my decision.
I can’t tell if this post will be read with a negative tone, I did not mean it to be, but it is what it is. Coffee time!