As I sit here in a quasi empty room, packing the little stuff I brought back with me from my years abroad, I can’t help but introspect on what this entails. Introspecting is what I do, at the end of every chapter, and before every chapter. Let me rewind a bit.
Not that long ago, I met a guy. He had eyes piercing with intelligence, and words filled with stories. I had just returned, he had just returned to a place neither of us felt particularly keen about. We had drinks at the closest thing to an English pub we could find, and what in my head was going to be a two hour date turned into a seven hour date. Neither party brought the other home, but we did get wet. It rained.
This could be naive, stupid to some, and it will most likely be romantic to others, but I have this certain feeling and ease that this is ‘it‘. There is no doubts, no ego to protect, no advice to seek from friends, just pure authenticity in all its vulnerability! It is simple, it flows. For the first time in life, a relationship feels absolutely right. I feel both – the to contribute to someone else’s happiness while letting them contribute to mine, and the responsibility for my own happiness. With that comes a feeling of self-sufficience, a feeling of co-dependent independence, an impression that two people can somehow perfectly be aligned, and if they aren’t, that too is okay, for love is something to consciously work at.
Previously, my thoughts would race in a fatalist way. Dread. Sometimes it would be for no rational reason at all but a ‘voice inside of my head’ telling me ‘this will not work’. I, of course, like to consider myself a rational person, and so I attributed those thoughts to fear, to personal instability, to everything but me wanting something that was never going to, to work.
I was speaking with a dear friend today, and I realized that I am unsure of why things are different this time. I am unsure if I can attribute this to my personal growth, and I am only now having the chance to realize things, or if it is just simply two people having the right dynamic to make things work. Either way, tonight is the last night I spend in my bed alone, for what I predict (or would like to think) will be a long while. Sitting down to think makes me realize how far I’ve come, even from just a mere three months ago. One of my friends so brilliantly told me months and months ago that the heartbreak I was feeling was proof of the capacity I have to feel, and that the person simply acted as a catalyst. She finished by saying ‘Just imagine the spectrum of emotions you could feel with a better catalyst’ and as foreign of a concept that seemed then, I realize what sense that makes.