The other day, I was early for a meeting, and so while trying to kill time, I caught myself judging myself. ‘Why did you let this go on for so long?’ ‘Why do you respond in this way and not that way?’ ‘Why are you thinking these things or replaying scenarios?’ etc etc. It’s less than empathetic, and full of judgement and quite frankly, spite. It always strikes me by surprise when I catch myself talking to myself that way, because I am not a spiteful person and I am not an impatient person with other people’s feelings and complexities, but for some reason I inflict this mental abuse onto myself. As soon as I caught myself doing it that day, another part of me jumped out and almost screamed on the top of my lungs (internally of course) ‘Stop viewing yourself as pathetic, you just really really care(d) about this person and about this situation!’ It is amusing how complex we all are, there I was, me and my multiple entities having a debate about what acceptable thoughts and feelings are and aren’t, all that right before a very important meeting. My internal dialogues are the strongest in matters of love. The best way I can sum up my stance about it is as follows:
I am scared shitless of love and of loving, yet I cannot help but love.
The older I get, the bigger the fear gets, the more the complexities of uncertainty overwhelm me, but they never phase me enough to hold me back from feeling the AWESOME spectrum of feelings we are capable of. They have not once deterred my capacity to love and to give and share that love. And yes, sure that love is sometimes unrequited, and sometimes it extends itself past the due date the other person has attributed to it, and sometimes the other person doesn’t recognise, or worse, cares for what it is you’re handing them because of their own limitations. None of those circumstances matter as they should not demean your own capability to love and feel these incredible feelings. There is no foolishness in your thoughts, no matter how many times you have recycled the same stories in your head over and over again. Sure there comes a point when you need to direct that love towards yourself, and at that point you will most likely start moving on, but let it be a natural process. Don’t force it by putting your thoughts and emotions down. It is okay for you to cry, it is okay for you to suffer, it is okay to feel so low, it will pass, and one day you will look back at this time and think to yourself how amplified all of your experiences were, because these grand emotions replaced that numbness brought by routine and by taking things in life for granted. Nothing is wrong with you, you are just full of feelings and that is a beautiful trait to have in a world where we’re all too distracted to feel. ‘But you’re just being foolish now, the other person has moved on.‘ Well ego my friend, it isn’t about them this time, is it? It is about yourself. It is about doing things and feeling things at your own pace, in your own time, it is about honouring yourself and your experience. The heartbreak is not theirs, it is yours and yours alone, you own it, and you are entitled to every single cryfest you need to have.
One of my friends, who’s wise way above her years, wrote me a beautiful message yesterday. I feel like it needs to be quoted somewhere. She wrote:
‘The way I see it is that it shows that the love that you had for him is not something he can take away. Because he simply acted as a catalyst for you to feel those feelings – to feel the depth you’re capable of. You have such an open heart, with so much to give. And being with him has given you an idea of the capacity you have. It is the difference between looking at yourself as a person who has loved, and seeing yourself as someone who can love – who loves. And let’s face it, he’s actually not the best catalyst. Imagine what you could feel for someone who felt the same for you, or rather, who felt the same and was strong enough to fight for it.’