On Your Own (part 2)

*Note, I had written this the day I wrote the previous post and thought I scheduled it to go live that same week…well three weeks later now, here it is*

I’ve mentioned in the previous post the fact that one of the harshest feelings after a break up is facing yourself in your most imperfect, possibly weakest form.  I can only speak for myself, but as the highly emotional being that I am, it has never been easy for me to distance myself from a situation, or from emotions resulting from that situation.  I tend to unfortunately often times dwell in them.  That in turn makes it very hard (although, certainly  not impossible) for me to rationalize myself in moments when I feel less than enough.  After a break up that happened a few days ago, I made a point to surround myself with people every single day.  I did not feel the strength to face myself and my feelings alone, and I was very vocal about that to my friends, or anyone who would listen, to my own surprise.  I normally consider myself quite independent, but I do think that people and interpersonal relationships are the most precious things in this world, and so I don’t particularly feel any weaker being vocal about the dependence I need in this moment.

I am very fortunate enough to have very great, patient, attentive and inspiring people in my life, who all have something different to bring to me, particularly during hard times, when I have absolutely nothing to give in return.   They let me cry in front of them, cry in public, and most importantly, never make me feel uncomfortable, or as if my emotions were too much or unjustified.  I’m not sure how I’ve scored such friends, in this city, or back home, but I am very very fortunate that I did, and that in turn made me immensely humbled by their kindness and caring persona.  They understand and don’t judge when I go from laughter to tears within an amount of minutes, or from optimism to complete despair in one singe day, multiple times a day.  They take me to cat cafes, picnics, sing me songs, force me to eat croissants, go with me to plays,  recommend me books, and let me be sad without pressuring me out of it.  They text me checking up on me, and e-mail  me from abroad with no bullshit philosophies, but the reassurance that they know I will be okay.  As a natural extrovert, these people and these relationships in turn not only make me feel less lonely, but just simply nurture me and are mending me a bit faster than I’d be able to mend myself in my own head.

That said, today is the first day I am spending alone since then, and although I woke up teary eyed this morning (just like the others), I am now sitting in a cafe, drinking an americano with my own thoughts.  The strangers passing by all have a smile on their face, and are either drunkenly happy because their favourite team has won the FA cup, or because it is a sunny day in a normally gray city.  How can I not feel reassurance from such a scene!

There are moments, like right now, when I find myself with a rather unfamiliar sense of comfort, a comfort that startles me, particularly given the circumstances.  Something in me is letting me dream, and makes me feel like I can choose what I want to do, where I want to go and what I would like to be.  I don’t remember the last time I felt that freedom of choice, or more precisely, I don’t remember the last time that I let myself feel like I had access to all the choice.  Yesterday, while sitting through a play, I realized how important the cliché ‘the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself’ is.  And to be quite frank, I am feeling quite excited to finally start having that positive, nurturing and understanding relationship with myself.

When it comes to my recently discovered will for companionship, something in me makes me feel like I will connect with another person on that very intimate and emotional level again, and that one day that person will be on the same page as I am.  Someone who will comfort me as much as I comfort them, who will not get offended by my sense of humour, or get embarrassed when I sing out loud to a song that a busker is playing on the street, someone who will care about me as much as they care about themselves and who will show it in a way that is reassuring to me.  That vision could be a defense mechanism, but the fact that I can imagine that is such a pleasant surprise coming from a normally pessimistic mind.   With those thoughts, I feel as if I had been given the opportunity to reset myself, for I was emptied of everything I wanted, gave, and thought was going to be, or not be, not by him, but just the circumstances accompanying a break up.   And now, here I am, a blank slate, unsure about what to do, or where to go, but there is such bittersweet feeling that comes in the midst of the heartbreak that just anything could happen.

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