You will never be to some what you are to others

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There are some people who will, from the beginning, find out about your authentic self in its fully raw form.  The self that has multiple personalities all clashing with one another, that comes with destruction, beauty, over analysis, incoherence, aspirations, hopelessness, a stagnant sense of being a non entity, an overwhelming feeling of being part of a collective whole, and of being in and being the universe, both at once.  It drives you from point A to point B and then back to point A again, in entwined circles in your mind.  The self locked inside your cranium, feeding off patterns of previous fragments of thoughts, fragments of feelings, starts to weight heavy, like a deep dark secret that only starts making sense when it manifests into clumsy words during a conversation with another fellow being.

Until then, it is nonsense.

And then, there are people who will only know fractions of you.  You show them what it is what they want to see, what it is that they evoke out of you, carefully guarding the hundreds of mad facets that could bring you closer to that person, but that could also bring you closer to complete eventuality of destruction.  You are not ready to witness your great fall, not just yet.  And perhaps one day you will offer them the gift of your madness on a plate, but until then, you will feel like a fraud, like Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde, everytime you smile, or laugh, or feel genuine happiness, or content in their presence.  You will feel like you’re conning that person into thinking that is all you are, happiness and content.  You, with your joie de vivre so blatantly expressive in your eyes, in your laugh, in the way you marvel at sights, or have the ability to recall the most perfect memories!  That side of you will drive you further into darkness, even when at your happiest, because you are unable to accept and nurture your own inconsistent states.  And you will, in passing, mutter out ‘I am not always happy’, just to let out an indication of your deep dark secret, and then resume laughing, thinking to yourself that they too are human, after all.

You will never be to some what you are to others, in the same fashion you will not, to yourself, be tomorrow who you are today.

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