I concluded I am finally okay with growing old. The longer I bathe in this sense of living, the easier living feels. Heartbreak, loss, unpremeditated twists of fate, they quickly morph from that heavy feeling in my chest into a lightness of being. I used to be of opinion that some things in life never get easier, and perhaps, they never really do. But I now have a different way of treating those feelings. They trigger neurosis, they trigger psychosis at times, but I am fully conscious that they’re fickle and come to pass. And with that realisation, lightness appears.
I remember the times when I felt like I could never be without that somebody, when I felt emotionally tied to things or people, when the end of us would pain every cell in my body to the point where I would feel like I was suffocating in my own being. When things ended, I would lay motionless in my room, staring at the walls, bathing in sadness, rehearsing sadness, training my body to grow dependent on that state. I know better now. I know that, throughout those emotions, I have come to a different place, and that life and circumstances led me to different people and different experiences, that I am so grateful for. I am aware that this sense of hardship is the biggest blessing one can experience, and I am no longer interested in fighting it.
I don’t think I’ve grown jaded, I feel. I feel a wide range of powerful emotions, in full connection with every little thing in this world and with every little thought in my head. I think I just interpret those emotions in a whole different manner.
I don’t consider myself particularly resilient, but I managed to get to a point in my life where I finally realise the meaning of ”self-sufficient”. I don’t deny my dependence on other people, for they bring joy and laughs in my life, they level me and we feed off each other in order to grow and morph into people who we are today, and who we will be in ten thousand days of time. Yet, I cannot imagine going through one single thing that would leave me permanently scarred or broken. No mourning, no end is finality.
Still, this doesn’t prevent me from overanalysing everything. That is just a trait that I have yet learned to kick, or may never kick. The great thing is that now, I get to overanalyse those everythings in a different light. ‘Everything happens for a reason’. It truly does. Everything happens for the reason of who you will become, and what action you will take once that something happens, and the place that action will lead you to. I sit here, with a certain weight in my chest, caused by uncertainity. And although that weight persists, it is so grand to realise that despite what happens or doesn’t happen, I will be okay.