That other time you felt inadequate

I tried so hard not discussing “logistics”, as for some reason it makes me feel more vulnerable than discussing my most ridiculous and childish wishes and desires, but here I go.

Last week I had an interview, my very first interview since I moved to London.  I remember sitting at the same coffee shop I’m writing this from, not thinking much of it, I was just on a row with applications that day, and well, an opening for a position I wanted happened to be available in the company I wanted to work in.  Weeks later I got a call back for an interview.  I was ecstatic, anyone who knows me knows how passionate I am about that company’s products, what it stands for, what it does.  I showed the job description to my old colleague and she exclaimed “It’s as if they tailored it for you!”  Yes, it felt that way a bit.  I had the experience and the skills they were looking for, knowledge about the company, I had spent hours preparing and learning what localising entails, and yet, there I was as anxious as ever.

I sat down in the office where I had a temporary contract last week, unable to breathe, no matter how many deep breaths I was taking.  I started to question myself, what it was I was anxious about, and just like with most anxiety, it got rooted to “I am anxious about looking anxious.” After all, when I stop to think, it’s all I ever knew myself as during interviews.  Sure, once I get the position, I do a pretty good job at being, or at least seeming, calm,cool and collected. But interviews are ac completely different story! It’s as if I had trained myself to feel inadequate, and rehearse that pattern in a neurotic manner, until it became obvious to the rest of the world.  You would think that upon realising that, I would calm down a bit, but no, quite the contrary, it felt like a bigger problem I had to solve, and the two hours I had before the interview were simply not enough time to attack a life-long journey of self-sabotage!

So how did I do? I won’t know for another week and a half, but if I have to follow my  gut feeling, not well.  The interviewer pointed out my nervousness, which in turn made me even more nervous.  I walked out of there, went to whole foods and got watermelon and coconut water, as per a craving. I suppose I had to rehydrate myself after sweating out my life in front of that stranger!  I then strolled back to the office, where I sat down feeling as inadequate as ever.  If I can’t even obtain a job I really really really want, and am qualified for, then what in this world can I do!?

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