Yesterday evening, I went through a bit of an emotional roller-coster, one that left me near tears on the tube platform and a rather clear understanding of why people choose to jump in front of a train in such a vulnerable moment. Worry not, I was pms-ing and tend to dramatize. Instead I took a bath.
As I sat down for hours in the neon orange water (thanks to Lush), I decided to re-read some of my old personal journal entries. Given the topic of this blog, I decided to share this one with you…It was written on the 26th of August, at the Kilve Court, after the evolutionary “pilgrimage”. Don’t mind the italics.
I am at Kilve Court on an evolutionary pilgrimage. I found out about this through Richard Dawkin’s website. I was eager to see him speak. As a matter of fact, he spoke. Then, we spent the evening speaking, dancing. This evolutionary pilgrimage started as a walk and ended in drinking rosé with no other than Richard Dawkins. And so, I have learnt that for one, life is truly unexpected. The night before Ancestors Trail, I was jokingly telling my friend Ivy how I must go to bed to get some beauty sleep for my “date” with Mr.Dawkins. As it turns out it may have not been a date, but it sure was closer to it than I ever expected it to be! That evening felt like a fairy tale. It is the closest “Cinderella and the Pumpkin” kind of a moment I have ever experienced.
The next day, on the Sunday, we began a 13.5 mile walk, on a human trail. We started in the present and went backwards in time. I met some quite interesting characters, although I often felt too shy to open up and speak. And so I did not speak that much about my thoughts or myself, and I most likely appeared rather boring and bland. If I must be true to myself, this event taught me that I don’t know quite as much as I wish I knew or want to know. It also left me with a “stop introspecting and start doing” feel. It’s time to read the books I have been meaning to read, and to do the things I have been meaning to do. This weekend opened up my eyes and reminded me of topics that used to fascinate me, but that I’ve neglected lately, out of some sort of lethargy: writing, humanism, atheism, quantum mechanics, biology, evolution, the wild life, etc, etc.
And so, now I realize that my fear of not knowing what I’m doing/ if I’ll do anything at all is stopping me from further developing myself, and that then, in turn, contributes to my life-crisis. But I should accept that I am in a mid-twenties crisis and that it’s OKAY, I won’t die from it and I can make it second-plan, rather than making it a priority in my life, as it is that’s all I seem about!
I remember, four years ago, when I got out of university. I was full of will to create, explore and experience. I felt youthful…maybe I was, or maybe it was thanks to children that I worked with. I am really not as old and as “have been there, done that” as I like to think I am. Here is what I’m sure of at this present moment:
- I have no clue what I want
- It won’t always feel this way