That same day, In my Room on Trafalgar St.


(… 9th of June 2011)

I’m going to bed feeling sad as ever and I don’t even know why!  I feel empty.  I am realizing I’m nothing (and that is not only specific to me, but to humanity itself) without people.  I spent today alone, at times too self-centered to even people-watch.  I catch myself thinking “What am I even doing here…alone?!”  Spain is wonderful, people seem that way too.  I stray aside, not trying to connect.   Today, I feel like taking a train up north, but then I will have never pushed my own limits.  I miss familiarity, oh the irony, but I do!  Right now, at this very moment, I miss the lightness and the burden of routine, I miss desperately searching for another job, I miss daydreaming of this, I miss heartaches that I inflict upon myself…through a wild imagination, I miss talking on the phone with Andrea and nights-in with Mel, I miss random days with my roommate, and phone calls from my far too worried mother; I miss the way the sun sets on the canal and the fire-spitter making money in the market…And yet I know, far too well, that had I all of that right now, I’d long for this.

Tomorrow is a new day and as I’m an inconsistent being, that day will be filled with new feelings.  I’m hoping most will be different than the ones I am feeling now.



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