(… 9th of June 2011)
I’m going to bed feeling sad as ever and I don’t even know why! I feel empty. I am realizing I’m nothing (and that is not only specific to me, but to humanity itself) without people. I spent today alone, at times too self-centered to even people-watch. I catch myself thinking “What am I even doing here…alone?!” Spain is wonderful, people seem that way too. I stray aside, not trying to connect. Today, I feel like taking a train up north, but then I will have never pushed my own limits. I miss familiarity, oh the irony, but I do! Right now, at this very moment, I miss the lightness and the burden of routine, I miss desperately searching for another job, I miss daydreaming of this, I miss heartaches that I inflict upon myself…through a wild imagination, I miss talking on the phone with Andrea and nights-in with Mel, I miss random days with my roommate, and phone calls from my far too worried mother; I miss the way the sun sets on the canal and the fire-spitter making money in the market…And yet I know, far too well, that had I all of that right now, I’d long for this.
Tomorrow is a new day and as I’m an inconsistent being, that day will be filled with new feelings. I’m hoping most will be different than the ones I am feeling now.