I remember my first cup of coffee. It equaled about 10 actual cups of coffee and i drank it from a soup-sizedcup. It was my first year of university, and my first finals. Of course being the procrastinator that I still am, I drove myself to an all-nighter of cramming. Coffee came in handy. I cannot quite tell you if it made me more productive, if it kept me mentally awake, but it sure kept my body awake.
Ever since I kind of became this insane caffeinomaniac and snob. We all know that a coffee shop cup does not equal an actual cup. So I guess, I drink about 10 ‘actual’ cups of coffee a day. Insane, isn’t it?
First of, everything that precedes my first cup of coffee of the day never happened. I start living with that first cup of coffee. I’m also very picky about my coffee. I cannot go to any coffee place and there’s a specific taste that I aim for (dark and strong).
Last night I went to meet a friend for supper, after an extremely boring all-day event at work and an over exaggeration of coffee to help me get through the day, I had a very bad panic attack. It came out of nowhere and it was unexpected. I left our meet-up place and went for a long walk to calm myself down. I’ve noticed how whenever I’d be crossing a street, my body functions were on ‘panic’ mode, as I was anxious about a car running me over, or all sorts of other things.
I’m naturally a very anxious person, it’s quite transparent, except to some people, who I guess I fool, or who don’t know how to read people well, because they consider me ‘zen‘ and ‘in the moment‘. (I always burst their bubble, but for a moment it feels good to be portrayed as this ideal state of mind I’d like to achieve).
Among other things, besides this extreme anxiety, I’ve been unable to focus and to concentrate. No matter what else I do, this sensation remains, and lately it has been more extreme than ever. I’m sure other components of my life contribute to this feeling, however caffeine does amplify the physiological reactions.As it turns out, caffeine simply overstimulates my sympathetic nervous system, and contributes to me being this nervous wreck.
So that said, as the coffee is simply not even serving the purpose that it should (on top of me spending thousands of dollars on coffee shop coffee a year…yes I made the math) I’m putting myself through a coffee detox (I will still drink tea).
I just hope to be able to keep up with it, I know there’s something pleasurable about for example, writing this post with a cup of coffee in my hand.