Hm…I am not too sure how to start this first blog post, without rambling on (I tend to do that a lot).
Here I am, sitting on my queen sized memory bed, typing from my macbook, leading such typical modern-world existence. I have graduated from University a few years ago, got a ‘real job’ a few years ago as well, and yet this is not what I want out of life
at the moment.
Let me just paraphrase that, at the risk of sounding completely desperate: I am much less happy now, with all my ‘financial stability’ than I was working a minimum wage job during my first years of Uni.
I figured, I used to love writing once upon a time, and still on my free time write the equivalent of emo poetry, so why not invest all these thoughts, or day-to-day recollections into a blog?
The current state of affairs in my head is pretty foggy: I know for one, I don’t want this, however I don’t know what I want, I don’t want what I wanted, and on top of it all, I don’t even know who the – (can I swear?) I am…Although that last concern is minimal, because as per the logotherapy school of psychology, you are your actions. So, it should be liberating that I am not something already, but that I become what I do.
So problem is, I am not doing anything rewarding, and I lack all energy to even do.
I think I’ve always had idealistic tendencies, but I usually was always content with the present, because I knew that ‘something better’ awaited me in the future, not necessarily materially, but I always assumed I would find a certain sense of contentment/fulfilment… And here I am, in the future, and the future came, and here I am living the unfulfilling life of a 40 year old family provider, but with the emotions of a little girl hitting puberty.
I could go on and on, and so I don’t even know how to end a post. I suppose that it’s something that I will learn with experience.
Photo by (Jonf728)